


A Resistance of Fate

by isakk_evenn



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia Nervosa, Chubby Kink, Eating Disorders, Insecurity, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, Weight Gain
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-12
Updated: 2017-09-12
Packaged: 2018-12-26 21:42:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12067518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/isakk_evenn/pseuds/isakk_evenn
Summary: Even's meds take a toll on him, and affect his life in a very unexpected way.





	A Resistance of Fate

**Author's Note:**

> This is a story that I initially wrote just for myself, never planning on publishing it. I know that weight gain kinks and that whole world are usually shamed and I didn't want to receive a slew of hate that I know writers in this fandom get. But I also know that I wish there were more varied stories in the tag, and so I decided to post this, just in case there are other people like me in the fandom who are just staying quiet. All of the issues dealt with in this story are very personal to me and all I can do is write from my own experiences. This is Part 1 of the story, I don't know if I'll ever post a part two, but if for some reason even one person likes this, I'll write more. Thanks for reading this unnecessary paragraph of nervous rambling. Hope you enjoy.

Isak leaned back against the armrest on the couch, long legs folded underneath him, textbook in his lap. He heard a faint flush followed by a rush of water, and soon Even was coming back into the room, door swinging shut behind him.

 

“Hey,” Even smiled over at Isak, who’s head was still bent over his book, forehead creased in concentration. Isak hummed in acknowledgment but said nothing, simply turning the page.

 

Even plopped down on the couch, pulling his phone out of his back pocket and opening up a message to his Mom, asking her what time she’ll be home.

 

“What’s this?”

 

Even looked up at Isak, who was holding a small round object in his palm.

 

“Umm,” Even shrugged.

 

“I think it’s a button, it just kinda landed on my book,” Isak said turning it over in his palm.

 

Even was about to brush it off and return to his text when he looked down. He could feel the heat rising up his throat into his face. The hole where his jeans button should be was empty.

 

“Oh,” His voice came out higher than he intended, which only caused the heat in his face to intensify. He avoided Isak’s gaze as he stood up, walking over to his closet and pulling out a pair of sweatpants.

 

“You know Noora is really good at this stuff, I saw her fixing a hole in her sweater before. I can give her your pants and she’ll fix them.” 

 

“Right, thanks,” Even mumbled as he pulled his jeans off and tugged on his sweatpants.

 

“Baby?” Isak’s soft voice pulled up Even’s eyes to meet Isak’s, which he had been resolutely avoiding for the past 5 minutes.

 

“You know there’s nothing to be embarrassed about right? This happens to everyone.”

 

“Yeah, I know,” Even said, his voice low, trying to ignore the returning warmth in his face that he had just managed to subdue.

 

“Hey,” Isak placed his textbook on the table and scooted forward, placing a hand on Even’s knee, “This isn’t like you. What’s up?”

 

“I don’t know, it’s not important.” Even hated this. Feeling this way. Isak was right, it wasn’t like him. He didn’t feel uncomfortable or embarrassed. Not about this. This was stupid. He was being stupid. But he also knew that this could happen if switched his meds. The lack of control over his own body, a body which he was so used to being comfortable and confident in, ate away at him.

 

“Of course it’s important.” Isak placed his hand on the back of Even’s neck, pressing their foreheads together.

 

“Everything about you is important.”

 

Even’s chest filled with gratitude. At least he had Isak. No matter how shit he felt, he had Isak.

 

***

 

Isak pressed back more insistently, his hands travelling down Even’s back as he pushed him back onto the bed. He swung his leg over Even, straddling him, reaching down for the hem of his shirt.

 

Even froze, hand flying to Isak’s wrist.

 

Isak pulled back, his confusion evident.

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

“Nothing nothing, I just,” Even scrambled out from under Isak, getting up from the bed, not really sure where he was going.

 

“Even wait,” Isak grabbed his arm, pulling him back down to sit next to him.

 

“Please just, talk to me.” The concern in Isak’s voice, his eyes worrying into Even’s. It was too much, his chest still heaving slightly from what they had just been doing. From what he wished they were still doing. It was his fault. It was always his fault. And suddenly it was just too much and to his horror, Even felt tears stinging insistently in his eyes.

 

Even wiped away at a stray tear angrily, “I feel fucking disgusting. I’m sorry, I know we haven’t had sex in weeks but I just feel so…” Even waved his hand vaguely, words trailing off. He felt so wrong in his skin. In his head. He didn’t look like himself. He didn’t talk like himself. He felt gray and foggy and heavy and dull. He felt horrible.

 

“Oh baby,” Isak sighed, reaching forward and pulling Even in tightly by his waist, ignoring how Even flinched slightly at the contact, only squeezing him tighter.

 

“You’re beautiful,” Isak whispered in his ear, pulling away slightly so that he could look back at Even, who just rolled his eyes.

 

“Handsome.” Isak kissed his temple.

“Hot.” Isak kissed down his cheek bones.

 

“Pretty.” Isak kissed his jaw.

 

“Ok you say that but I just don’t feel it right now,” Even hated his own words as they rolled out between them. Hated how they sounded. How they felt coming out of his mouth, leaving a bitter taste on his tongue. He was pathetic. 

 

“Then let me show you,” Isak raised his eyebrows, pushing Even back on the bed.

 

“Can I?” Isak asked hopefully, hand ghosting the bottom of his shirt, waiting for permission.

 

“I-“

 

“Only if you want to,” Isak insisted, pulling his hand away. Even reached for his wrist again, but this time he placed his hand onto his hip.

 

“I want to.”

 

Isak smiled, leaning down to kiss Even, connecting their lips and it was so sweet Even melted into his touch, ignoring the hot coil that hissed in his mind when Isak began pulling up his shirt.

 

Even took in a deep breath as Isak began kissing down his chest, his breath stuttering as Isak circled one of his nipples with his tongue, flicking at the hardening nub. He continued to trail kisses down his chest, kissing just below his belly button before he began unbuttoning his jeans. 

 

Even cursed himself for not wearing sweatpants today, but Isak said nothing as he yanked at his pants, trying to pull them down. Even clenched his jaw, closing his eyes and trying to ignore the poisonous discomfort that colored his cheeks. But then his pants were off and Isak’s mouth was on him and for that moment, bliss overtook hatred.

 

***

 

Isak pushed a few sweaty strands of hair off of Even’s forehead, watching the shadows Even’s eyelashes cast on his cheeks. He leaned over and placed a kiss on his cheek, earning him a tired half smile.  

 

“I love you,” Isak sighed, nestling closer into Even’s side, tracing lazy circles across his collar bone, continuing the design down his chest, but as his fingers dipped lower into the side of his waist, he felt Even tense up. He pulled his hand back.

 

“Why don’t you want me to touch you?” Isak asked. The concern in his voice almost disguising the hurt. Almost.

 

“I just don’t feel like myself right now, I don’t know.”

 

“Why don’t you feel like yourself?” Isak persisted, clearly no longer interested in letting Even’s half-hearted responses go unchallenged.

 

“I guess I’m just not super comfortable with my body right now,” Even squirmed under Isak’s gaze, hating this conversation.

 

Isak’s expression softened, and Even was relieved not to see any pity in it. 

 

“I’m so sorry you feel that way baby.” 

 

Even looked down, wishing that when he opened his eyes again he was back to his normal self. But when he opened his eyes he still felt like a stranger in someone else’s body. In someone else’s graying mind.

 

“Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?”

 

“Not really.”

 

“Would it help if I told you I think you look hot as fuck?”

 

“Maybe. A little.”

 

“Because you do.”

 

Even looked up at him, eyebrow raised.

 

“I’ve looked hotter.”

 

“Impossible. If you looked any hotter I would die.”

 

Even let out an exasperated sigh, smiling despite himself, “You would die huh?” Even put his arm on Isak’s waist, pulling him closer.

 

“Yeah I mean, you really shouldn’t get so close to the sun. Could be dangerous.” Isak smirked. 

 

“Idiot,” Even grinned down at him fondly, leaning down to kiss him.

 

“Seriously though,” Isak said as they pulled apart, “I know only you can make yourself feel better about stuff like this, but never doubt that I think you’re hot, because you are. Super attractive. I’m serious.” 

 

“I know you are babe,” Even said, wishing he could remember what it felt like to think that way about himself. Like he used to. Like he always had.  

 

***

“Hey,” Isak greeted him, pulling out a seat and sitting down next to Even, leaning over to kiss him softly.

 

“Hey,” Even said once they separated.

 

“Jonas and Mahdi just went to get food,” Even gestured towards their discarded book bags.

 

Isak nodded in acknowledgment, pulling out a sandwich from his bag and unwrapping it. He looked up at Even who was tapping a pen against his thigh, staring off above people’s heads.

 

“Where’s your lunch?” Isak nudged him, Even’s gaze focusing back on him.

 

“Oh, uh, guess I forgot it,” Even mumbled, raising his shoulders nonchalantly, pretending like the feeling of his stomach rolling over his waistband had nothing to do with his response.   

 

“Here, have some of mine,” Isak ripped his in half, handing it over to Even.

 

“Oh it’s fine, I’m not hungry. Really.”

 

“Even you didn’t have breakfast, I know you’re hungry.”

 

“I’m not though.”

 

“Even,” Isak’s voice hardened, “Take the fucking sandwich.”

 

Even bit the inside of his cheek, accepting the sandwich and taking a reluctant bite, refusing to meet Isak’s eyes.

 

“Hey, what’s up?” Mahdi asked as he and Jonas took their seats at the table, and Even had never been happier to see them.

 

***

“Are you not eating?”

 

“What?” Even asked, startled by Isak’s sudden question. They had been sitting on Isak’s bed, doing their homework in silence. The rest of the day had been filled with awkward silences and heavy tension, with Isak casting furtive glances in Even’s direction the whole bus ride home and Even resolutely ignoring them.

 

“You heard what I said.”

 

“Is this because of lunch? Because I told you I just wasn’t hungry.”

 

“Answer the question.”

 

“I’m eating,” Even snorted bitterly.

  

“So what was that at lunch today then?”

 

“Isak seriously it wasn’t a big deal, why won’t you let it go?”

 

Isak put his textbook on the floor and moved Even’s laptop off of his lap, shifting on the bed to face him.

 

“I’m worried about you, you’ve been acting weird and, I just, if something was wrong you’d tell me, right?” All the hardness from before was gone, replaced with a soft concern mixed with slight insecurity, so brief one could easily miss it, but Even knew Isak well enough to catch it.

 

“Look I’m just, still adjusting to these meds,” Even ran a tired hand through his hair, “And I guess some of the side effects are just getting to me that’s all.”

 

“Side effects?” Isak tried to remember what he had read when he researched bipolar disorder, “You mean like drowsiness and stuff?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“I didn’t realize loss of appetite was one of the side effects, I’m sorry babe that really blows.”

 

“I wish it was loss of appetite,” Even muttered so quietly it was almost a whisper, but not quiet enough.

 

“If it’s not that then what?”

 

“Oh come on, like you don’t know,” Even huffs exasperated.

 

Isak shakes his head slightly, eyebrows nit closely together.

 

“Weight gain Isak, that’s one of the side effects.” 

 

“Oh,” Isak says quietly, “Is that it?”

 

“I mean kind of,” Even looks at the the gray toned world that his brain moves through sluggishly, wishing he could get back to the beautiful clarity that once surrounded him.   

 

“Well, I mean, there could be way worse side effects,” Isak reasoned.

 

“Easy for you to say, you’re a stick.”

 

“Even,” Isak shifted closer to him, climbing into his lap and taking his face in his hands,” You’re still thin you know that.”

 

“Yeah I guess, but I don’t know. It’s all just getting to me. I used to always love the way I look and now I just…don’t. And I’m just not used to it.”

 

“You still look the same to me.”

 

Even rolled his eyes at that, but couldn’t help but smile a little at Isak’s earnest eyes.

 

“I love you but you don’t have to lie, I know I’ve gained weight. I have eyes too you know.”

 

“Don’t see it,” Isak shrugged resolutely, brushing Even’s hair behind his left ear.

 

“Oh really?” Even raised his eyebrows.

 

“Mmmhmm,” Isak nodded, matching Even’s eyebrows with a raise of his own, leaning down to brush his nose against Even’s. 

 

Even reached down for his shirt, pulling it up over his head. He swallowed his discomfort, distracting himself with looking into Isak’s eyes.  

 

“How about now?”

 

“Still look the same to me.”

 

“Ok I appreciate what you’re trying to do but I know I’ve put on 10 pounds this month alone.”

 

“Even,” Isak sighed, not really sure what to say to make his boyfriend feel better.

 

“There’s not really anything you can say to make me feel better,” Even said looking away, as if he was reading Isak’s mind.

  

Isak’s eyes travelled down Even’s torso, noticing the small pouch of fat that had replaced the usually flat expanse. Hesitantly, Isak placed his palm on Even’s chest, noticing how Even immediately tensed, his eyes snapping back to Isak.  

 

“What are you...” But Even’s question trailed off as Isak lowered his hand, bringing it down until it reached Even’s stomach, tentatively tracing his hand over it. Even squirmed beneath the touch, uncomfortable with how acutely it reminded him of his insecurities. 

Isak looked back up at Even, hand still on his stomach.

 

“I think it’s kinda hot,” Isak smirked, squeezing at the soft skin once before lifting up his hand to place it on the back of Even’s neck, his thumb tracing his jaw.

 

“Um, you what?”

 

“I’ll always think you’re hot Even,” Isak whispered against his lips, and then they were kissing and Isak’s hands were travelling all over Even’s body. Running his fingers through his hair and up and down his back and along his chest and stomach. And Even kissed Isak back with just as much enthusiasm, finally feeling more ok with himself than he had in a while.    

 

***

“Hey Isak!” Even’s mom greeted him as she opened the door, stepping aside to let him in.

 

“Even’s in his room.”

 

“Thanks,” Isak nodded, toeing off his shoes and leaving them in the hallway by the door.

 

As he started making his way down the hall, he felt a hand fall on his arm. Isak turned around, eyebrows raised in question.

 

“Just..say something nice to him when you see him. Like, that he looks good or something.”

 

“Ok?” Isak said, unsure of why Even’s mom would tell him to compliment Even.

 

“Fuck!” He heard Even curse as he reached his door, which was only half closed.

 

Isak pushed open the door, “Hey Even.”

 

Even was standing in front of his closet getting dressed.

 

“Fuck, Isak, hey.” Even spun around to face him, face flushed red. 

 

“You look good today babe,” Isak walked forward, tilting up to press a kiss to Even’s lips.

 

“Um thanks,” Even said, looking flustered. It was an odd look on Even, who Isak was used to seeing so confident. It made him sad, knowing that Even was struggling and no matter what Isak did, it didn’t seem to be getting better. He was beginning to wonder whether these new meds were doing more harm than good.

 

“I’ll be ready in a minute, then we can go.”

 

“Sure,” Isak sat down on the couch, pretending to be busy with his phone to make Even feel like he wasn’t looking at him, even though the action made his heart clench.

 

Even swallowed, flames of embarrassment burning in his ears as he sucked in his stomach, willing for his pants to close, but his sweaty fingers slipped on the hem of his pants falling out of his grasp.

 

“Fuck,” Even said again.  

 

“Is everything ok?” Even heard Isak’s tentative question behind him, which only made him feel even more embarrassed.

 

“Yeah I just,” Even sighed deeply,” I just can’t get my pants to close.” His voice caught on the last word, heat spreading through him like a hot coil.

 

“Do you need some help?” Isak asked, getting up from his seat and putting down his phone.

 

“I don’t see how you could help unless you can magically make me thin again.” Even grumbled dejectedly.  

 

Isak walked over to Even, kissing his cheek, “Let me try.”

 

He dropped to his knees, and Even thought bitterly about how seeing Isak like this usually made him excited. Isak grabbed onto the waistband of his pants, and Even sucked in his breath, closing his eyes so that he didn’t have to see what was happening. Maybe he could pretend that he didn’t feel completely mortified that his boyfriend had to help him put his pants on. After a few minutes, Even felt the button slot into it’s hole, the pressure along his hips immediately tightening. 

 

“There,” Isak said, satisfied. He got up, pecking Even’s lips, “Now we can go.”

 

“Thanks,” Even turned his back to Isak, too embarrassed by what had just happened to meet his eyes. He let out the breath he was holding in, looking down to see his stomach expand over his waistband, straining his pants. He prayed that they stayed shut. He quickly opened his closet, intent on throwing on the first shirt he saw before Isak could see him looking like this. But he wasn’t fast enough, because Isak’s arms were already circling his waist, his hands dropping down to his protruding abdomen.

 

“Still hot,” Isak breathed against the side his neck.

 

Even turned around, making Isak drop his arms to his sides.  

 

“You having to button my pants for me is like the least hot thing we’ve ever done.” Even said, jarring in disbelief as he heard his own words, mortified at what had just transpired.  

“Can’t I decide for myself what I think is hot and what isn’t?”

 

“I mean sure but,”

 

“But, nothing. Stop putting yourself down, because that is not ok. I really hate that you’re feeling so low about yourself right now, but you can’t tell me how I feel because that’s not fair either. Just because you don’t think you look good doesn’t mean I don’t think you do.” Isak huffed, crossing his arms over his chest, his jaw squared.

 

Even bit his lip, shifting his weight from one hip to the other,” This really doesn’t bother you?” His voice came out a lot smaller than he had intended, his uncertainty evident.   

 

Isak stepped forward, enveloping Even in his arms. His hands move down to Even’s waist as he pulls back a little, leaning his forehead against Even’s.

 

“It really doesn’t.” Isak affirmed, his hand travelling lower towards Even’s stomach, which he tried to suck in out of habit, but Isak pressed against the soft skin more confidently, slotting his lips against Even’s, supporting Even’s back with his other arm. Isak arched his back until they were pressed flush against each other, with only Isak’s hand between them. Isak deepened the kiss until Even gave in, moving his hands to Isak’s hips, pulling him closer, relaxing into the kiss. Even let go of the breath that he was holding, pushing his tongue against Isak’s lips, licking into his mouth as Isak tilted his head back. Isak let out a moan, his hand moving over Even’s stomach, pressing down into the waistband of his pants, feeling the soft skin fill up his palm. Isak grinded his hips against Even’s, and Even returned the action just as eagerly.

 

“Oh shit!” Even suddenly pulls away, startling Isak, who was still panting from the kiss.

 

“What?” Isak breathed, chest heaving slightly.

 

“Ugh, I can’t believe this,” Even let out a frustrated sigh, looking down at his gaping pants. He reached down and lifted up a silver button lying on the floor.

 

“Just put on different pants babe,” Isak said picking up his phone from the table,” We should go soon or we’ll be really late, we were supposed to be at the party like 20 minutes ago.”

 

“Those were my last pair of jeans,” Even said.

 

“Then just wear some dirty ones, no one will care.”

 

“No I meant, those were my last pair of jeans that fit me.” Even could feel his face heating up again, and for the hundredth time he was reminded of how much he hated that feeling.   

 

“Oh well uhm, just go in sweatpants.”

 

“Yeah I guess, fuck this is embarrassing.” Even yanked off his pants, ignoring the resistance that he met at his thighs and throwing them on the ground.

 

“Baby, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about, they’re just pants.”

 

“Easy for you to say,” Even muttered resentfully as he pulled on his black sweatpants, grabbing a white t-shirt from his closet and throwing it on, pretending that he doesn’t feel how it clings to his lower abdomen.

 

“Ok yeah whatever lets go,” Even says, picking up his phone and shoving it in his pocket, stalking out of the door.

 

Isak follows Even down the hall, catching his mom’s questioning eyes but looking away, unsure how to return it.

 

Even pulls on his red hoodie, thinking back to the last time he wore this outfit at Isak’s Christmas party. He smiles a little, letting the sweet memory warm him, if even only for a few moments, because then they were stepping out of the apartment and he had to face Isak’s concerned expression as his hand wrapped around his bicep, stopping Even from going down the stairs.

 

“Are you ok? Because you know we don’t have to go,” Isak asked.

 

Even let out another deep sigh, “I’m fine Isak, really,” He assured Isak. “I just need to get drunk,” Even laughed a little, “I already have a beer belly so why not enjoy the beer right?” 

 

“Sure babe, let’s go get drunk,” Isak agreed, slipping his hand into Even’s as they walked towards the entrance.  

 

***

4 beers and several shots later, Even was slumped over on the couch, the room spinning slightly. Isak was leaning against him, considerably drunk as well and looking at him like he hung the moon. Even smiled at his boyfriend, leaning forward to kiss him, which Isak returned with a flattering enthusiasm. 

 

“How are you feeling?” Isak asked when he pulled away.

 

“I’m feeling great baby,” Even grinned at Isak, leaning down to steal another quick kiss.

 

“I’m glad, I don’t like it when you feel sad.” Isak pouted slightly.

 

“Yeah well, maybe if I didn’t have this,” Even looked down at his stomach, which was more visible since his hoodie had been discarded somewhere between the 4th and 5th shot of tequila.

 

“Ugh,” Isak groaned dramatically, “I wish you would stop giving yourself such a hard time, you’re really overreacting.” Isak said, his words slurring slightly.

 

“Overreacting? You overreact to like everything,” Even laughed throwing his head back, feeling the alcohol rush to his brain. Finally, for once, he didn’t feel like the world was weighing him down.

 

“I think it’s cute,” Isak patted his stomach, giggling slightly, “It’s like a little baby,” Isak laughed at himself, face bright with what he apparently perceived as the world’s funniest joke.

 

“Haha yeah maybe that’s what it is. Maybe you got me pregnant.”

 

Isak broke out into a bigger grin, leaning down to kiss Even’s stomach, resting his head on it, “I hope it’s a boy,” Isak laughed into the soft fabric of the t-shirt. 

 

“What should we name him?” Even asked as Isak sat back up, shifting into his favorite position, on top of Even’s lap.

 

Isak let out another laugh, bright and bubbly, wrapping an arm around Even’s shoulders, his other hand snaking up Even’s shirt, caressing the slight love handles sitting over the waistband of his pants. 

 

“You really don’t mind that I gained weight do you?” Even asked in wonder, gazing into Isak’s lust filled eyes.

 

“I think you’re really hot baby,” Isak whispered against Even’s lips, the alcohol thick in his voice. And then he was kissing Even with a dizzying intensity, pressing against him, and Even eagerly kissed him back, hands slipping under Isak’s shirt, tracing his ribs wistfully as Isak let his hand roam over Even’s stomach, squeezing at the doughy flesh that pressed over the top of his waistband.

 

“Fuck babe I want you,” Isak let out a hot breath against Even’s neck, grinding down against him. 

 

“Come on,” Isak stumbled off of Even’s lap, grasping his hand and pulling him up off of the couch, leading him to the bathroom.

 

As soon as Isak shut the door behind them, he pressed Even against the wall, yanking his shirt over his head and reaching for his pants, pulling them down and sinking to the ground with them before Even could register what was happening.

 

“Fuck,” Isak groaned, eyes raking up and down Even’s body, his voice deep with desire and want. He sucked at the juncture between Even’s hip and thigh, and then lifted up slightly, tracing his tongue underneath Even’s stomach, licking across its length, feeling the soft skin push against his tongue.  

 

“So hot,” Isak muttered, lowering his mouth to Even’s shaft. Even groaned and threw his head back.    

 

***

“Happy one year anniversary!” Isak tilted his glass to clink it with Even’s.

 

“You really didn’t have to do this,” Even said as he set his glass down. Isak had surprised him by bringing him to a ridiculously extravagant restaurant for their one year anniversary.

 

“You’re always doing romantic things for me, I just wanted to return the favor.” Isak blushed slightly, casting down his gaze.

 

“But this place is so expensive, I would have been just as happy going somewhere cheaper. As long as I’m with you.”

 

Isak beamed, looking up at Even with the softest smile playing on his lips, eyes bright and sparkling.  

 

“Don’t worry about the money, I’ve been saving up. Have whatever you want, it’s on me.”

 

Even reached over to grab Isak’s hand, weaving their fingers together, “I already have everything I could possibly want right here.”

 

***

“Ughh,” Even collapsed on Isak’s bed, “Why did you let me eat so much.” Even placed a hand on his bloated stomach, his shirt riding up slightly.

 

“What? How is that my fault? I told you that your stomach would hurt if you got a second dessert.”

 

“Your fault,” Even grumbled, opening his eyes slightly to see Isak’s amused grin as he shook his head and jumped on the bed next to him, laying down and nuzzling his nose against Even’s neck.  

 

“You know I’m trying to lose this stupid weight, why did you take me to a restaurant with like the world’s best food?”

 

“Should I have taken you to a place with really shit food instead?”

 

“Yes,” Even groaned.

 

“Here, let me,” Isak reached down, replacing Even’s hand with his own and lifting up his shirt, rubbing slow circles across his stomach. Usually Even would have recoiled at the action, but he was too full and tired to feel embarrassed tonight. He was so sick and tired of feeling embarrassed. He had been trying to lose the weight for over a month now, but judging by the soft skin that remained hanging over his waistband despite the tightness at the top of his stomach, he wasn’t doing too well. His only consolation was that Isak didn’t really seem to mind, always quick to assure Even that he looked great.  

 

Isak’s hand moved further down, grazing over his pants, undoing the button of his new jeans.

 

“Fuck this is hard to do with one hand,” Isak muttered, raising up on his knees and leaning over Even, using both his hands to remove Even’s pants, then shifting to remove his own.

 

Even sat up, pushing Isak down and straddling him, pulling Isak’s shirt over his head and then following suit.

 

“You’ve done enough tonight, my turn to give you your present.”

 

…

 

“Hey, Isak,” Even turned to face him, a sheepish look spread across his face.

 

“Yeah babe,” Isak hummed, reluctantly opening his eyes and looking up at Even through his eyelashes.

 

“I’m actually kinda hungry.”  

 

“Are you sure you’re not actually pregnant?” Isak laughed, already rolling out of bed and tugging on his boxers.

 

“No,” Even snickered.

 

‘What do you want?” Isak asked as he headed towards the door.

 

“I don’t care,” Even pulled the covers over his body, settling back into his pillow. 

 

*** 

“See, I told you I would support you,” Isak said, dropping down next to Even, who was lifting weights.

 

“So sweet of you,” Even rolled his eyes.

 

“Well I gotta work on my physique, I have a hot boyfriend to impress,” Isak grinned.  

 

“Oh hey Jonas, I didn’t know you were coming here today!” Isak greeted his friend.

 

“Trying to work some of that relationship weight off, huh Even?” Jonas took a seat next to him, picking up a weight and flexing his biceps.

 

“Shut the fuck up Jonas, you’re one to talk. I’ve seen you after the munchies hit,” Isak shot back, casting a worried look at Even, who just shrugged and kept his eyes trained on the floor.

 

“Speaking of, I got some great shit the other day. You should come by tomorrow, try out my new piece.”

 

“No more water bottle bongs huh?”

 

“Bathroom,” Even muttered, getting up and stalking towards the bathroom.

 

“Is he ok? He’s seemed kinda down lately.” Jonas asked, nodding his head towards Even.

 

“Yeah he’s just, I don’t know I guess yeah he’s been kind of down. He was trying these new meds and they were really fucking with him and now he’s just trying to get back to his old ones. It’s been a lot to adjust to.”

 

“Shit dude that sucks.”

 

“Yeah,” Isak agreed, eyeing the bathroom worriedly.

 

“Well, go after him bro.”

 

“Right, yeah,” Isak nodded, not even looking back at Jonas as he hurried after Even.  

 

“Even?” Isak called out as he entered the bathroom, which appeared to be empty.

 

Isak looked down at the stalls, noticing a crouching figure in one of them.

 

“Even?!” Isak tried again, pounding on the door, alarm causing his heart rate to quicken.

 

He heard the latch come undone and the door slid open to reveal Even sitting on his knees, head leaning against the wall of the stall.

 

Isak’s eyes widened, “Even you weren’t, please tell me you didn’t-“

 

“I didn’t,” Even shook his head, “I promise I would never, I just, I don’t know.”

 

“Oh baby,” Isak wrapped his arms around Even’s shoulders, pulling him into his chest, feeling his heart constrict as he felt his shirt dampen. He held Even for a few minutes, gently stroking his back. Finally, Even pulled away, wiping hastily at his face.

 

“I’m sorry you have to deal with so much of my bullshit. I never thought that this would be one of my problems.”

 

“Hey, you know everyone has things that they’re insecure about, it’s ok. You don’t have to apologize for it. And I want to be here for you.” Isak assured him, wiping away at a stray tear that rolled down Even’s cheek.  

 

“I just, I fucking hate this so much, “Even spit out resentfully.

 

 Isak reached down and took Even’s hand in his, entwining his fingers with his own and pulling them both up to a standing position. 

 

“I think that you’re the most beautiful man I have ever seen, and I really hope that soon you are able to see that again too.”

  

***

“Yes!”

 

“What?” Isak stuck his head out of the bathroom, toothbrush dangling from his mouth. When he didn’t hear a response, he quickly rinsed his mouth and wiped his face.

 

“What were you saying?” Isak asked walking into their bedroom.

 

“Look.” Even said, a bright smile lighting up his face.

 

“Ummm, you look great?” Isak tried, not really sure what he was supposed to be looking at.

 

“Fuck yeah I do, they fit again.”

 

“Your pants?” Isak guessed, considering he wasn’t wearing anything else.

 

“These were the pants you asked Noora to fix for me forever ago, remember?”

 

“All of your pants look exactly the same, how am I supposed to remember what every pair looks like?”

 

“Whatever, not the point,”

 

“You’re right babe, I’m happy for you,” Isak stepped forward, wrapping his arms around Even’s waist, “I am gonna miss our baby though.”

“Shut up,” Even shoved Isak’s shoulder, only to wrap his arms around him as well.

 

“I finally feel like myself again.”

 

“Good,” Isak tilted his head up, asking for a kiss.

 

“I mean, I’m not completely back to how I was but,” Even started as they pulled apart.

 

“But nothing. You look great babe, I’m so proud of you.”

 

“Me too,” Even grinned. 

 

***

“Hello?” Isak yelled into the dark room, dropping his keys on the end table by the door. The sound of the door closing shut echoed through the empty room.

 

“Even?” Isak tried again, flicking on the light in the kitchen. Isak noticed the dirty plates stacked in the sink as he reached for a glass, going to pour himself some water. That was weird, he was sure he remembered doing the dishes this morning, but he had been half-awake so maybe he was wrong or forgot to finish them or something.

 

Isak migrated down the hall into their bedroom.

 

“Even?” Isak opened the door, barely making out a dark lump huddled on the edge of their bed.

 

“Yeah?” A soft voice croaked into the dark.

 

“Are you ok?”

 

No answer.

 

“Can I turn the light on?”

 

A few moments passed before he saw Even stir slightly, “Ok.”

 

Isak flicked the switch, light flooding into the room.

 

Even was lying on the bed, legs drawn up to his chest, arms crowding around his midsection, face buried into a pillow. He hadn’t even bothered going under the covers, lying fully dressed on top of their bed. He blinked a few times at the light, adjusting to the sudden brightness.

 

“Baby what’s wrong? Did something happen?” Isak rushed to his side, crawling onto the bed next to him and hunching over him slightly, trying to get a better view of his face.

Even stayed silent, trying to burrow himself deeper into the bed.

 

Isak reached out to touch his shoulder, but Even flinched away at the contact. Isak made a quiet hurt sound but withdrew his arm. Even sighed, shifting slightly to face Isak, but immediately groaned.

 

“Are you hurt?” Isak’s voice jumped in concern.

 

“No, I’m fine just, leave me alone. Please.” Even hoped Isak would go away, leave him alone to hate himself. But a bigger part of him hoped he would stay. Because he was weak. And because he needed someone.

 

“Baby, please, tell me what’s wrong. I just want to help you.”

 

“It’s nothing, just a stomach ache.” Even muttered, face already turning red.

 

“Do you think you have the stomach flu? Or did you eat something bad?” 

 

“I don’t think so,”

 

“You can’t be sure, if it hurts this bad I think we should go to a doctor. Make sure you’re not- “

 

“Isak, stop. I know why my stomach hurts. I’m not sick.”

 

“Ok,” Isak says hesitantly, waiting for Even to explain.

 

Even sighed, his hatred building like a hot coil deep in his throat, lashing out at him as the shameful words spill out of his mouth like acid.

 

“I just ate too much.” Even whispered dejectedly.  

 

“Oh,” Isak let out a sigh of relief, “Jesus Even you really scared me for a minute there. Why are you being so melodramatic about this?”

 

“I’m not,” Even mumbled, closing his eyes, missing the comforting darkness.

 

“I love you babe, but you look like you’re about to die when all you did was eat too much,” Isak chuckled.

 

“Here, sit up, have some water,” Isak nudged his shoulder, offering Even his water.

 

“Fuck,” Even groaned, pushing himself up slightly as he shifted his weight onto his back. He reached for the water, gratefully accepting it, but only being able to take a few sips before he felt his stomach protesting and had to give it back to Isak.

 

“What did you get high without me or something?” Isak asked settling down beside Even, propping himself up on his elbow.

 

“I wish,” Even said, “Then I would have a good excuse.”

 

“Excuse for what?”

 

“Being a disgusting-“  


“Even stop,” Isak said, his voice stern.

 

“Don’t start with this bullshit again. I thought you were doing better?”

 

“I thought I was too, but I don’t know. I had a rough day today, just school stuff, but I came home and I was feeling like shit and I just…lost it I guess. I don’t know. I thought all of this would stop once I got my meds balanced out.”

 

“Oh baby,” Isak sighed, kissing his shoulder.

 

“I don’t want to add this to my list of problems. I don’t.” The last word came out more tearfully than Even intended. Isak leaned down, hugging Even’s chest with his arm.

 

“I’m here for you. Whatever you need, I’m here for you.”

 

“Thanks,” Even said, looking at Isak gratefully. 

 

“Ugh,” Even groaned as he tried to stretch out his sore limbs, his hand flying immediately towards his bloated stomach.

 

“Here, let me,” Isak placed his hand on his stomach. Even immediately recoiled, scooting out of Isak’s reach.

 

“Come on, you’ll feel better,” Isak said, reaching for Even and starting to rub slow circles over his stomach.

 

“I guess we have our baby back,” Even laughed bitterly.

 

Isak didn’t say anything, he just stayed silent rubbing his boyfriends stomach, offering occasional kisses to his cheek until Even fell asleep.  

 

***

“I forgot my phone can you believe-” Isak rushed back into their room, grabbing his phone which was still sitting forgotten on the floor, charging.

 

Even stood frozen by the desk, hand wrapped around a candy bar. He swallowed hastily, shutting the bottom drawer of the desk with his foot.

 

Isak looked down at the motion, eyebrows immediately raising.

 

“What’s in there?” Isak asked as he pocketed his phone.

 

“Huh? What? Nothing. Aren’t you going to be late?”

 

Isak looked suspiciously at Even before walking over to the drawer and opening it. Inside were dozens of chocolate bars and packets of chips.

 

“Even,” Isak began slowly, “I thought your therapist told you to get rid of all that stuff.”

 

“I, uhm,”

 

“Look babe, I love junk food as much as the next person, but I don’t want to see you crying on the bathroom floor because you gained half a pound or something,” Isak’s voice petered off, immediately regretting his choice of words.

 

“Fuck you,” Even spat at him, throwing the candy bar in the trash as he stomped to the bathroom, shutting the door behind him violently.

 

“Shit,” Isak cursed, dropping his book bag and heading towards the bathroom.

 

“Even, please. I’m sorry.”

 

“I can pick this lock you know, so you might as well let me in,” Isak tried again when the door remained resolutely shut.

 

He heard shuffling and then heard the lock click.

 

“What?” Even asked irritably, barely opening the door.

 

Isak walked into the bathroom, silently appraising Even, unsure of what to say.

 

“I’m fucked up, ok. I get that. Just fucking leave me to be gross and ugly in peace.”

 

“Please don’t say things like that about yourself. Especially because they could not be further from the truth,” Isak moved towards Even, cupping his face in his hands and forcing Even to look at him. His eyes were slightly tinged red.

 

“I can’t stop Isak. Just when I think I’m back to my old self, I fuck up again and I’m right back to this,” Even looked down, his stomach jutting out slightly in his t-shirt. Barely noticeable, but still there nonetheless.

 

“Remember what your therapist told you, about how you think you’re bigger than you actually are?”

 

Even nodded slightly, gaze remaining firmly on the ground.

 

Isak tilted Even’s jaw towards him, once again forcing his gaze up, “Well that’s what’s happening now. Anyone who would look at you would think you’re super thin and envy your body. I’m serious.” Isak asserted when Even rolled his eyes.

 

“I don’t have a flat stomach, not like you.” Even mumbled.

 

Isak dropped his hands from Even’s face, letting out an exasperated sigh.

 

“You’re not supposed to compare yourself to me, just like I’m not supposed to compare myself to you.”

 

“Yeah well, it’s hard not to when you’re like super hot and I’m-“

 

“So. Are. You.” Isak gripped Even’s sides, standing up on his toes and bringing one hand up to Even’s hair, pushing his head down to meet Isak’s. Isak slipped a hand under Even’s shirt as they kissed, fingers trailing over his nipples, earning him a small groan as Even relaxed under Isak’s touch. Isak grazed his fingertips down Even’s sides, touch shifting lightly to the soft flesh spilling delicately over his waistband. Isak’s fingers continued to trace it, spelling out the word ‘hot’ over his stomach before gathering some of the flesh in his hand and squeezing it, pressing up against Even and deepening their kiss as he did.

 

“Why do you always do that?” Even asked as they broke apart.

 

“Do what? Kiss you?” Isak asked, a playful smile on his face as he brushed a stray curl off of Even’s forehead.

 

“No, like, touch my stomach like that.”

 

“Oh, um, I don’t know. I want to?” Isak replied.

 

“Ok yeah but like why?”

 

Isak shrugged, “It’s soft and it feels nice I guess.”

 

“Yeah?” Even raised his eyebrows in surprise.

 

“Yeah,” Isak said, running a hand down Even’s clothed torso, hand lingering on his abdomen.

 

“I think it’s kinda cute,” Isak smiled shyly back at Even.

 

“Ok,” Even nodded skeptically, “Hey won’t you be late for class?”

 

“Shit you’re right.” Isak pressed a quick kiss to Even’s lips before rushing to get his book bag from their room.

 

“Love you,” Isak called over his shoulder as he rushed out of their apartment.   

 

***

 

“Fuck, remember when I used to look like that?”

 

“Huh?” Isak looked up from his phone to see what Even was showing him on his phone screen which he had held up for Isak.

 

“You still look the same Even, that was taken like what, 2 years ago?”

 

“Almost, it was like right when we got together.”

 

“Oh yeah, I think I remember that, we had only been dating for a few months right?” Isak smiled softly, thinking back to those early days, full of uncertainty and excitement, when everything was new and sparkly. Every moment shining bright with novelty.

 

“Still love me?”

 

“Always,” Isak leaned over and placed a kiss on Even’s waiting lips, pulling back to catch his smile.

 

“I can’t believe we’ve been dating that long already,” Even sighed, putting down his phone and leaning into the pillow resting against the headboard.

 

“I can,” Isak smirked, looking Even up and down.

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Even sat up, eyebrows raised high on his forehead.

 

“Nothing, just that I’m so used to you, I can’t imagine my life without you.”

 

“Nice save,”

 

“What do I need saving from?”

“I know what you meant.”

 

“Yeah…’cause I just said it,”

 

“Whatever,” Even started to get up, but Isak pulled him back on the bed.

 

“Even,” Isak forced his gaze to meet his.

 

“You know that’s not what I meant. You’re just hyper focused on it.”

 

“Sure,”

 

“Ugh,” Isak groaned, “I’m so tired of this,” he muttered under his breathe, but Even caught it.

 

“Tired of what?”

 

Isak looked at Even, contemplating him for a few moments before letting out a huff of air.

 

“I’m tired of having to convince you that you look good. Like come on Even, everyone and their mother can’t take their eyes off of you, yet all you can focus on is the fucking scale in the bathroom or your goddamn pants.”

 

“Oh I’m so sorry this has been so hard on you, I’ll just conveniently stop, because that’s exactly how it works.” Even stormed out of their bedroom, turning the corner into the living room.

 

Isak grumbled, turning back to his phone, not in the mood to deal with him today. But after 20 minutes passed and Even hadn’t come back, Isak could feel his guilt setting in and pushed himself up off of his bed, his apology already on his lips as he entered the living room.

 

Even was sitting on the couch, a bag of chips in his lap, staring resolutely at the TV, even though he didn’t look like he was actually watching what was on, his line of vision slightly raised above the television screen as his hand reached into the bag, shoving three chips into his mouth at once.

 

His eyes snapped up at Isak as soon as he walked in.

 

“Don’t,” Even started, but Isak just raised his hands in surrender and plopped down onto the couch, reaching over and grabbing a chip from the bag.

 

“I wasn’t going to say anything. Just that I’m sorry for being an asshole. What are you watching?”

 

“Um, I’m not sure actually.”

 

Isak nodded, shifting closer to Even until he was tucked under his arm.

 

An hour had passed and the bag of chips was finished when Even got up, walking back into the kitchen. He was just about to open the fridge when Isak appeared behind him, wrapping his arms around his waist and dropping his hands pointedly on his stomach, reminding him of the small roll of fat poking out over the waistband of his sweatpants. Even clenched his jaw.

 

“Let’s go to bed baby.”

 

“It’s too early, it’s only 10.”

 

“I didn’t say we had to go to sleep,” Even could hear the smile in his voice.

 

“Yeah ok,” Even turned in Isak’s arms, pulling him into a long kiss as they stumbled backwards to their bedroom.

 

***

It was almost midnight when Even woke up, laying on his side admiring Isak’s sleeping form for a few minutes before quietly slipping out of bed, grabbing his clothes off of the floor and closing the door quietly behind him.

 

His fingers hovered over his phone indecisively for a moment before he placed his order, regret immediately coiling in stomach. But he couldn’t take it back now.

 

He had almost let himself believe that he got away with it, proud of his sneakiness as he brought the last slice of pizza to his mouth, when he heard the door to their bedroom open. He momentarily contemplated trying to hide the evidence, but before he could even try to think about moving, Isak was in the room, his eyebrows scrunched up in confusion as he assessed the scene in front of him. Even was lying on his back, stretched out on the couch, two empty pizza boxes lying on the floor next to him. Isak looked between Even and the boxes, but before Even could say anything, Isak just turned on his heels and disappeared into the kitchen.

 

Even put down his last slice of pizza, suddenly feeling far more sick than he had been before Isak had walked in. Isak reappeared with a glass of water in his hand, silently handing it to Even before lifting up his legs so that he was sitting on the couch with Even’s legs in his lap.

 

“Drink,” He said, his voice soft, still low and full of sleep.

 

Even drank the whole glass and set it down beside him, a small groan slipping past his lips.

 

Isak immediately lifted up Even’s shirt, rubbing slow soothing circles against Even’s distended belly.

 

“Sorry,” Even said, trying to search Isak’s eyes for any potential anger or disappointment.

Isak just shook his head, the corner of his mouth lifting slightly, leaning his head back against the couch cushions, his eyes slipping shut as he continued rubbing Even’s stomach. 

 

“Fuck,” Even muttered, bending his arms to raise himself up from the couch. Isak’s eyes opened slowly.

 

“Going to bed?”

 

“Yeah, I just have to go to the bathroom first.”

 

Isak nodded, standing up and stretching, leaning down to pick up the empty pizza boxes and going into the kitchen to throw them away.

 

Even walked into the bathroom, closing the door behind him and appraising himself in the mirror. Objectively, he realized that he didn’t look that bad. I mean yes he definitely looked bloated, but he knew that it would go down in the morning and that he would look fine. But seeing the strings on his sweatpants dangling straight down because he had to undo them to accommodate the strain on his stomach sent a wave of self-hatred through him that he still wasn’t used to, even after all of this time had passed.

 

He dropped on his knees next to the toilet, closing his eyes. Was he really going to do this. Because if he did, he knew there was no going back. But before he could do anything, the door to the bathroom opened. Even cursed silently, having forgotten to lock the door behind him.

 

“Oh my god,” Isak gasped rushing over to Even, dropping down next to him.

 

“Please, no,”

 

“I didn’t.”

 

“But I wanted to,” Even said quietly, speaking to the tiles on the bathroom floor.

 

“Oh Baby,” Isak wrapped his arms around Even, pulling him into his chest impossibly close.

 

They stayed on the bathroom floor like that, Isak holding Even and Even leaning into Isak. They stayed like that all night. Holding each other.

 

***

“I give up,” Even flopped onto the bed, pulling his belt out of its loops and flinging it across the room, unbuttoning his pants and falling back onto the bed.

 

“Hmm?” Isak asked, not looking up as he rummaged through their closet, trying to find where they had put their ties which they rarely ever needed.

 

“Nope, not going. Can’t do it. Bye.”

 

Isak turned around, lifting an eyebrow in question.

 

“We have to go, it’s your sister’s wedding.”

 

“So? She can get married without me, I won’t mind.”

 

“I think she’ll mind.”

 

“I’m busy. Maybe next time.”

 

“Haha, I think that the idea is that there won’t be a next time.” Isak walked around the bed, retrieving the discarded belt and crawled onto Even’s lap.

 

Even lifted his head slightly to look at Isak, only to drop it back down when he saw the belt.

 

“Why can’t we just stay home and cuddle? Doesn’t that sound better?”

 

“It does,” Isak agreed, leaning down to kiss Even, “But we can do that after too.”

 

“Or, and now hear me out here, we can do that right now.”

 

“Even,” Isak sighed, slipping the belt back into place and closing it.

 

Even reached down, intent on undoing it, when Isak stopped his hands, holding them in his own.

 

“Stop undressing yourself, we’re going to be late.”

 

“Well if you won’t do it,” Even raised his eyebrows suggestively.

 

“Later. I promise.”

 

Isak got off of Even, intent on finding those ties before they were actually late, when he heard Even sigh deeply and he turned back around.

 

“I should’ve bought a new suit,”

 

“Why? You look great in that one. It would have been a waste of money.”

 

“It’s like, two sizes too small for me,” Even sat up, tugging at his shirt.

 

“Even, baby, you look amazing. The suit fits you great.”

Even pulled at his shirt, dragging it out from under his pants where he had tucked it in.

 

“What are you doing?” Isak asked, walking back over to Even, having given up on finding their ties.

 

“I just, ugh,” 

 

Isak leaned down, rubbing Even’s shoulders gently until he looked up. He lowered his hands to Even’s upper arms, pulling him up. Isak reached down, tucking Even’s shirt back into his pants, fingers lingering over the small roll of flesh pushing up against the belt. His eyes lingered on how it spilled over, straining slightly against the shirt, small creases folding in towards the center. His hand stayed on it as he looked up at Even, who was watching him with a guarded expression.

 

“Does it bother you?”

 

“Huh?”

 

“When I touch you like this, does it bother you?”

 

“Not exactly. More like, it confuses me.” Even said slowly.

 

“Confuses you how?” Isak asked, dropping his hand to his side.

 

“Like,” Even licked his lips, “I don’t get why you would want to touch me there. It’s kinda weird.”

 

“Ok,” Isak nodded, “I won’t do it anymore.”

 

“No it’s not that. I don’t mind it, I just don’t get it.”

 

“Does it confuse you when I touch other parts of your body?”

 

“Well, no, I guess not.”

 

“Then why would it confuse you if I touched you there?”

 

“Because it’s not exactly like, my most attractive quality.”

 

“Says who?”

 

“…me?”

 

“Ok but what if I don’t agree with that?”

“I mean I guess, maybe…”

 

“I won’t touch you there anymore, it’s not a problem.” Isak said, looking away from Even, cheeks having been growing redder with his discomfort as the conversation continued. He was just about to turn around when he felt Even grab his hand, spinning him around to face him. He pulled Isak close to him, chests flush together, blue eyes piercing green. Slowly, he brought Isak’s hand down to his stomach, leaning in to kiss him as he did. Isak hesitated, but then pushed back, one hand landing on Even’s neck, the other remaining unmoving from where Even had placed it on his lower abdomen. Even cupped Isak’s face, deepening the kiss, pushing his hips up against Isak’s, rubbing his stomach into his hand. Slowly, Isak cupped his hand around the soft roll, feeling it’s warmth in his fingers. He moaned a little into the kiss, squeezing harder, as Even’s hand travelled down to Isak’s hip, pressing them flushed together.

 

“Fuck,” Isak breathed as they pulled apart, “We, um, we’re going to be late.” Isak tried to control his breathing, head spinning slightly.

 

“How is it that after 2 years I still get breathless kissing you?”

 

Isak smiled up at Even, brushing a hand over his cheek.

 

“Maybe you’re getting asthma in your old age?”

 

“Oh fuck you,” Even shoved his shoulder playfully.  

 

“Your pants are still unbuttoned,” Isak pointed out.

 

Before Even could fix it himself, Isak reached down, moving the belt out of the way as he grasped the zipper, tugging at it, but it wouldn’t budge. Isak tried again, noticing how Even was holding in his breath. After a few tries, the zipper slipped up into place, making it easier for Isak to do the top buttons.

 

“There,” Isak said, sliding the belt back into place.

 

“I’m done now, you can stop holding in your breath. Unless you plan on walking around looking constipated all day?”

 

“Maybe I do,” Even quirked his lips to the side in a half smile, but let out his breath anyways, jaw clenching at the feeling of his shirt tightening slightly around his middle. When he looked up at Isak, Isak wasn’t looking at him, eyes trained on his midsection. Watching his stomach slowly spill over his belt, tracing the small roll with his eyes.  

 

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer,” Even joked.

 

“Right uh yeah, let’s go,” Isak said, cheeks tinged pink as he looked around for his phone.  

 

***

“Here I’ll get those,” Even got up, collecting their plates and heading towards the kitchen. He waited until he heard Isak walk off into their room, then turned back to the plates, placing his empty one in the sink before turning to Isak’s, which was still half full. He cleared the plate in a few minutes, depositing it into the sink, and opening the fridge, pulling out their leftover pasta from the day before and opening the container, sticking a fork in it and carrying it out of the kitchen, not bothering to heat it up.

 

“Hey,” he said, plopping down into bed, arranging the blanket over his lap and placing the container in front of him.

 

“What are you working on?”

 

“Oh just some reading I have to finish,” Isak answered, glancing up at Even, eyes lingering on the container in his lap for a few beats too long before looking back down at his text book.

 

Even said nothing, just pulled out his phone, thumbing through his recommended YouTube videos while he ate his food, not looking down until his fork hit the bottom and he realized that he had finished the whole thing. He set his phone aside, getting up to bring the container back into the kitchen, when Isak suddenly spoke up.

 

“I can take it back for you.”

 

“Oh it’s fine, I got it,” Even said, back already turned to him as he walked out the door. Even put the container into the sink with the dishes, got a candy bar out of the cupboard, and walked back to their bedroom, half of the candy bar already gone before he got back into bed. Isak had put away his notes and was sat on the bed waiting for Even, eyebrows raised slightly in surprise.

 

“You’re, uh,” Isak swallowed his words, instantly regretting saying anything as Even’s expression darkened.

 

“I’m what?”

 

“Nothing,” Isak shook his head quietly. “Do you want to watch a movie or something?”

 

“What? You want to say I’m eating too much?”

 

“What? No, I, I didn’t say anyth- “

 

“Yeah but you thought it right?”

 

“No I- “

 

“Is it not cute anymore? Is it not- “

 

“Even stop!” Isak grasped his arm, “I didn’t mean anything by it. Yeah ok I was surprised because we just had dinner but I don’t care. If you’re hungry, then eat. That’s how it’s supposed to work right? So just, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad.”

 

Even deflated slightly, guilt and self-loathing replacing anger as he sunk back into his pillow.

 

“Yeah, ok. So you wanted to watch a movie?”

 

“Yeah, um, let me just get my laptop.”

 

Even shoved the rest of his candy bar into his mouth while Isak’s back was turned, chewing hastily and dropping the wrapper onto the floor.

 

“Isak?” Even asked hesitantly.

 

“Yeah baby?” Isak turned back to him, placing his laptop in between them.

 

“Do you, um,” Even swallowed harshly, “Do you still think I’m attractive?” His voice came out small and pathetic. When he was younger he walked around like he owned the room, and he did, eyes instantly falling on him. But now, whether it was his perception or reality, he felt like people’s eyes just passed over him, blurring anonymously into the crowd.

 

“Of course,” Isak lifted a hand to his face, pulling him forward until their noses brushed against each other.

 

“You don’t have to say that just because-“

 

“I’m not,” Isak pushed the laptop aside, lifting up to sit on Even. He usually took control these days, a noticeable shift in their dynamic as Even’s confidence took an unexpected dip a year ago, and just kept plunging lower as time went on.

 

He ran his hands down Even’s sides, slipping his hands under his shirt and running them up his soft waist, the warm skin giving to his touch. He lifted Even’s shirt off of him and discarded his own, eyes darkening as he took Even in.

 

“How do you still look the same after all this time?” Even’s fingers flitted over his abs, roaming up and down, fingertips grazing lightly, sending sparks up Isak’s spine.”

 

Isak knew that there was nothing he could say to make Even feel better, but he could show him, so he dipped down, mouth travelling from his neck down his chest, breathing hotly over his nipple as his hands roamed Even’s torso, fingers grasping his hips, feeling the way his love handles filled his hands, grinding his hips down while simultaneously pushing Even towards him.

 

“Fuck,” Even exhaled, tipping his head back.

 

Isak moved on to his other nipple, hands continuing to explore Even’s body, settling on the soft roll pushing out over the top of his boxers. He gathered some of it in his hand, soft and warm and full. Isak lifted his mouth off of Even’s chest, finding his mouth and pressing against it, tongue slipping in immediately. Isak’s hand lifted up slowly over the small mound of fat, feeling it curve under his hands as he went higher, hand resting on the hard surface of his full stomach. Even pushed up closer, mouth chasing Isak’s, arms wrapping around his back, and Isak returned the gesture, both hands sliding into Even’s hair, gripping at the silky strands.

 

“Still so fucking hot,” Isak gasped into his mouth, and Even just responded by surging up, connecting them together once more.   

 

***

 

“So I’ve given up,” Even says as soon as Isak walks into the room, lying on their bed in only his boxers, hand buried in a bag of chips.

 

“On?” Isak asks, taking his books out of his book bag and setting them on the desk.

 

“Losing weight,” Even stuffs a handful of chips in his mouth, crumbs littering his torso and the bed beneath him.

 

“Ok?” Isak leaned against the desk, waiting for Even to continue, but he just kept eating, scrolling through his phone.

 

When he hadn’t said anything for a few minutes, Isak sank into the chair, reluctantly opening his books, thumbing through the pages to get to the necessary chapter. It had been about 15 minutes of silence when Even got up.

 

“I’m making dinner, you want anything in particular?”

 

“Not hungry,” Isak said distractedly, not looking up from his reading.

 

“You sure? I know you didn’t eat breakfast.”

 

“Yeah, I uh, I ate at school.”

 

“Ok,” Even hesitated, taking in Isak, who was hunched over the desk, forehead creased in concentration. He looked smaller than usual, his sweater hanging off of him.

 

Over the next couple of days, Even began noticing Isak’s eating habits. Or lack thereof. He never ate in the mornings, claiming that he was too busy or that it was too early. At dinner he would push his food around on his plate for a while, before offering it to Even saying he was full, and that was on the days he agreed to eat dinner at all.

 

“Want this?” Isak pushed his plate towards Even, having barely touched any of it.

 

“Not hungry?” Even asked, not making a move to get the plate.

 

“Guess not,” Isak shrugged, putting down his fork which he had been using to shove his food around disinterestedly for the past 15 minutes.

 

“Shocker,” Even muttered, putting down his own fork over his empty plate.

 

“Um, what?”

 

“You never eat anymore.”

 

“That’s not true,” Isak muttered, gaze fixed resolutely on the table.

 

“Then finish your food.”

 

“I have homework, I don’t have time for this,” Isak stood up, his chair screeching against the floor as he shoved it aggressively under the table.

 

“Bullshit,” Even stood up, “Isak what the fuck is wrong with you?”

 

“With me?” Isak said incredulously, “Just because I don’t eat fucking everything in sight,”

 

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?!”

 

“Nothing, I” Isak rubbed his face tiredly, “I’m sorry that was too far, I’m just tired and I have homework. I’ll eat later or something.”

 

But Isak didn’t eat later, and Even ended up eating his share of the dinner later that night, sitting on the bathroom floor for an hour before going back to bed.  

 

***

 

“Fuck that’s some good shit,” Even sighed, leaning back into the couch cushions, head tilted up, the world spinning behind his eyes.

 

“Damn it doesn’t take much does it?” Jonas sniggered, taking another hit before passing the joint to Isak.

“Low tolerance, don’t smoke much so,” Even said, the words stumbling together as they dragged out of his mouth.

 

“Want another?” Isak asked, holding out the joint to Even. Even eyed it for a moment, but the thought of moving seemed impossible, so he just shook his head.

 

“You can finish it, I’m good too,” Isak said, passing it back to Jonas and leaning against Even, who immediately wrapped his arm around him, pulling him in close.

 

“Amateurs,” Jonas muttered with a smirk. They stayed silent for a while, Jonas lazily blowing out smoke into the room while Isak and Even lay wrapped up in each other.

 

“Hey,” Isak nudged Even, who’s eyelids were drooping further down with each passing minute.

 

“Hmm?” Even hummed.

 

“You falling asleep?”

 

“Nah,” Even grinned slowly, opening his eyes and bringing his head down to rest against Isak’s forehead.

 

“Good,” Isak whispered against his lips.

 

“I should’ve brought Anna, now I feel like a third wheel,” Jonas whined, but they ignored him, letting the haze of the smoke carry them on.  

 

“I’m hungry, let’s order something,” Jonas tried again to regain their attention. This time it worked and Even pulled back from Isak, ignored his low whine.

 

“What were you thinking of getting?”

 

“Um, I don’t know. Chinese?”

 

“Oh I know a great Chinese place, we order from there all the time. Pass me my phone?”

 

“What do you want?” Even asked as he scrolled through his contacts to find the right number.

“Whatever,” Jonas waved his hand, settling back into his chair.

 

“Isak?”

 

“Not hungry,” Isak muttered, refusing to meet Even’s gaze.

 

Even sighed and pulled Isak in closer, placing a kiss on his head. Isak tightened his hold around Even’s middle, burying his head in the crook of Even’s neck, releasing a soft breath of gratitude against his skin.

 

“Thank you,” He whispered, but Even just nodded slightly, rubbing his hand up and down Isak’s back in comfort as he found the right number and pressed call. 

 

By the time they heard the buzzer, they had already put on a movie, although they were too busy talking to pay much attention to it, letting it play quietly in the background.

 

“I’ll get it,” Even volunteered, pushing up off of the couch.

 

“Thanks man,” Jonas said, reaching for the remote to pause the movie. After what felt like ages, Even came back, slamming the door behind him.

 

“Finally! What took you so long?”

 

“I was gone for a few minutes,” Even chuckled, “How high are you?”

 

“Very,” Jonas answered back seriously, only to break out into a fit of giggles.

 

“Seriously?” Isak rolled his eyes, sharing an amused look with Even, who had come back into the living room, taking back his spot next to Isak on the couch.

 

Jonas restarted the movie and turned to the bag that Even had placed on the coffee table.

 

“Jesus Even, how much food did you get?”

 

Even just shrugged his shoulders, pulling out a container and a pair of chopsticks before settling back into his seat, ignoring Isak’s eyes that were burning into his skin.  

 

They ate in silence, actually paying attention to the movie that they were watching now.

 

“That was good,” Jonas stretched as the end credits rolled. “Want another?” Jonas reached for his papers and grinder.

 

“Sure,” Even agreed, swallowing some more noodles.

 

“Dude how are you still eating?”

 

Even muttered something incomprehensible, staring into his container.

 

“Gotta watch out for the munchies man, you’re going to end up eating a ton.” Jonas laughed as he focused on the task at hand.

 

Even ignored Jonas, tugging on his t-shirt, which was feeling tighter than usual.

 

“Want my sweater?” Isak asked, noticing Even’s discomfort.

 

“Won’t you be cold?”

 

“Nah,” Isak said, pulling it over his head and handing it to Even, “I’ll just use your warmth instead.”

 

Even smiled, setting down his food to put on the sweater, releasing a breath he didn’t even realize he had been holding in once the fabric covered his torso. It wasn’t quiet as big as it looked when Isak was wearing it, more fitted than he would have preferred, but still he was grateful for it, tugging at the front until it was bunched up at his middle.

 

“Thanks,” He kissed Isak softly, pulling back to see Isak’s soft smile stretched across his pale face.

 

“Sure you’re not cold?”

 

“I’m fine.”

 

“You got the lighter?” Jonas turned to Isak, the finished joint balancing between his thumb and index finger.

 

“I think you had it last?” Isak scanned the room, helping Jonas look, while Even reached back for his food. He took advantage of the two boys temporary distraction, shoveling in the rest of the contents of the container while they weren’t looking at him.

 

“Hah, found it!” Isak said triumphantly, standing up from where he had been crouched on the floor.

 

“Where was it?” Jonas took the lighter from Isak, bringing the joint to his lips and lighting its end.

 

“Under the chair you were sitting in.”

 

“Oh, sorry,” Jonas said sheepishly, passing the joint to Isak as he coughed over his words.

“Idiot,” Isak smiled around the joint.

 

He turned to Even, who had just swallowed his last mouthful, raising his eyebrows in question.

 

Even accepted it gratefully, taking a deep hit before slowly exhaling, feeling his high renew as he sunk into the smoke.

 

“I’ll throw this stuff out,” Even said as he got up, gathering empty containers and shoving them into the bag that they came in. He walked into the kitchen, disposing of the bag. He then walked into his room, quickly grabbing a handful of candy bars and a few bags of chips from his drawer before hurrying into the bathroom, making sure that the door was locked. Hastily, he tore into the first bar, wondering how much time he had before Isak would come looking for him. It was stupid to do this now, with not only Isak but also Jonas home, but the high dulled his anxiety over being found and lulled him into a false sense of belief that Isak would be distracted enough that he would have time to finish. He was shoving the empty wrappers into the bottom of the trashcan, already eyeing the toilet, when he heard a knock on the door, followed by the sound of the door handle being rattled.

 

“Even?” Isak’s worry apparent. “You ok?”

 

“Uhm,” He cleared his throat, “Yeah, just give me a minute.”

 

There was a pause, he could practically hear Isak thinking, then a deep sigh, “Ok, but I’m here if you need me.”

 

_I’m going to be standing here listening outside the door._ The unspoken words taunted him, he felt his stomach turn, frustration mounting. For a second he considered doing it anyways, turning the water on and daring Isak to pretend that he hadn’t heard anything. But the thought of hurting Isak so intentionally was even more unbearable than not going through with it. He would just have to wait. Begrudgingly, he rose to his feet, turning on the sink to wash his hands. After he dried them, he looked into the mirror, gaze instantly falling down to his stomach, which was straining slightly against the sweater. He gripped the edge of the sink, willing himself to be ok. Even if just for a few more hours until Isak was asleep. The food sat heavily in his stomach, his high almost gone. He had to fix that if he was going to get through the next couple of hours without cracking.

 

“Even?” Isak knocked, sounding seconds from breaking down the door. Even squared his shoulders resolutely and opened the door, a fake smile that he knew Isak would see right through plastered on his face.

 

“Hey,” Even said, his meek attempt at a casually cheerful voice falling flat.

 

“You ok?”

 

“Perfect,” Even turned his back on Isak, walking quickly towards the living room and crowding into the corner of the couch, curling in on himself. Isak followed in after him hesitantly, the barely guarded worry creasing his forehead. He sat next to Even, his concern radiating through his heated gaze that refused to leave Even.

 

“Dude where did you go? We already finished off the whole joint.”

 

“Seriously?” Even groaned.

 

“It’s chill man, I already rolled you another, as a thanks for the food,” Jonas handed him a joint and the lighter, a lazy smile stretched wide over his face, eyelids drooping low.

 

“Thanks,” Even accepted the items gratefully, lighting the joint and taking a deep drag, holding it for a few moments before releasing on a calming exhale. He sighed in content, opening his arm to allow Isak to come closer.

 

He offered Isak the joint, but he declined, closing his eyes and settling into Even’s chest, hand resting softly on his stomach. Even ignored his growing discomfort, reminding himself forcefully that Isak was doing that because he liked it and not because he thought Even was gross or disgusting. He wished he could see things the way that Isak saw them. Instead, Even continued to work away at the joint, not even bothering to try and engage in the conversation that Isak and Jonas were struggling to maintain themselves, punctured with intermittent giggles. It was only when he heard his name that Even turned towards Jonas, placing the finished joint in the cup that he had been using as an ash tray and setting it down on the table.

 

“What?” Even asked, the smoke spreading through him, his body heating up. He pulled the sweater off, throwing it over the back of the sofa.

 

“I don’t even remember any more,” Jonas laughed, “Your sweater is about to fall off the edge of the couch though,” Jonas pointed out, but Even just shrugged.

 

“Too much work,” He muttered lifting his hands above his head to stretch, causing his shirt to ride up. He noticed Jonas’ eyes look down at the exposed skin where his shirt had ridden up, before quickly looking away, but Even didn’t miss the slight raise of his eyebrows and shallow smirk. Shame raced through him like a thick current, burning him from within. But before he could pull down his shirt, he felt Isak’s hand slip over his stomach, caressing the small pouch of fat that was now visible. Isak looked up at Even, his eyes impossibly dark, tongue darting out to lick his lips. He tilted his head up, connecting his lips with Even’s, and as much as Even tried to lose himself in the moment, the knowledge that Jonas was watching them right now made him far too uncomfortable to be able to enjoy it.

 

“That’s kinda weird,” Jonas chuckled awkwardly, causing Isak to pull back.

 

“What is?” Isak asked, his face screwing up in confusion, but Even could hear the ready defense building in his voice.

 

“Just, like,” Jonas stuttered, waving his hands in their direction.

 

“You’ve seen us kiss plenty of times and you never said it was weird before?”

 

“No it’s not, you just, like, why is your hand on his um, his uh,” Jonas looked visibly flustered, clearly regretting saying anything. Isak’s eyes widened slightly, his hand immediately leaving Even’s stomach, allowing Even to yank down his shirt. The smoke mixed with the shame in a toxic whirlpool, his body yearning for release.

 

“I’m gonna get some water,” Even said abruptly, getting up and rushing to the kitchen. But when he got there, he didn’t get water. Instead, he opened the fridge and pulled out the leftovers that he and Isak had when they went to get kebabs yesterday, grabbing a fork and heading to the bathroom. Somewhere in the back of his mind, a voice screamed at him that this was a bad idea. Isak had been watching him all night, and he only had a few minutes before he would go looking for him again. But at that moment, he didn’t care. Nothing else mattered. The weed had loosened his inhibitions, his fears that reminded him of all the reasons why he shouldn’t gone. He locked the door and sunk to the ground, shoveling food in his mouth faster than he could swallow. Just as his fork clattered to the bottom of the bowl, he heard the tell-tale signs of footsteps coming towards the bathroom, but this time, he didn’t care. He had one task in mind, and nothing was getting in between him and his mission. Even stood up, turning on the water just as he heard Isak call out his name, but he ignored it, dropping down to his knees in front of the toilet and opening the lid.

 

“Even, no!” He heard Isak’s worried voice through the haze of the high and the rushing water, the knocks on the door pounding dully in the background as the rush of blood in his ears intensified. His head whirled, overstimulated, as he brought this fingers to his lips.

 

_There’s no going back now._

 

The knocking intensified, mixing with Isak’s screams as Even threw up. He wasn’t sure how long it had been before the door slammed open and Isak was at his side, pulling his fingers out of his mouth. His head was swimming, adrenaline pumping through his veins. The stars behind his eyes raced through his heart, he could feel it beating in his fingertips. Eventually, he registered that he was leaning against a wall. Slowly, Even opened his eyes, the room taking a few minutes to come into focus. Isak sat crouched in front of him, hands on Even’s shoulders, tears drying in streaks down his face. Jonas stood at the doorway, frozen in confused shock.

 

“Oh my god, Even,” Isak pulled him into his arms, Even’s head dropping heavily onto Isak’s shoulder. His whole body suddenly felt like it was filled with lead, his euphoria plummeting, leaving him with an empty loss that weighed him down.

 

“Jonas, can you get him some water?” Even heard Isak’s voice from where his head was buried in Isak’s neck.

 

“I love you, I love you, I” Isak kept murmuring into Even’s hair, rubbing his back. Even felt his breathing even out, and he hadn’t even realized that he was breathing erratically until he heard Isak’s sigh of relief.

 

Even lifted his head, eyes focusing on Isak.

 

“I’m sorry,” He whispered, not knowing what else to say.

 

“It’s not your fault baby,” Isak kissed his forehead.

 

“Here,” Jonas handed Isak a cup of water. “Um, I’m going to head home but uh, call me if you need anything ok?”

 

“Yeah, thanks,” Isak nodded.

 

“Feel better,” Jonas looked at Even, the concern in his eyes only filling him with more shame, so he just nodded silently.

 

“Drink,” Isak brought the cup to his lips. Even curled his fingers around the glass, but as soon as Isak let go, he almost dropped it. Isak grabbed it before it hit the floor.

 

“Sorry,” He looked down at his hand, which lay limply by his side. He didn’t realize how weak and drained he really was.

 

Isak brought the cup back up to Even’s mouth, tilting it back, helping him take a few sips before Even pulled away.

 

“Want to go to bed?” Isak asked.

 

“Yeah just, gotta brush my teeth first.”

 

Isak helped Even stand up, his head spinning as he rose from the floor.

 

“You sure you can manage that right now? You can always do it tomorrow?”

 

“Yeah yeah, I’m fine, just give me a minute.”

 

Isak raised his eyebrows but said nothing. He hovered by the sink, watching Even. It was suffocating, but he couldn’t blame him, not after what he had just done. After what felt like an eternity, he finally turned off the sink and let Isak lead him to their bedroom, ready to collapse into bed. Isak reached down, pulling Even’s shirt over his head, then tugging off his sweatpants. Isak’s movements were too fast for Even to follow, barely registering Isak taking off his clothes before Isak was pulling a clean shirt on Even. He pushed him back gently, and Even sighed in relief as his head hit his pillow. After a minute, Isak crawled under the covers with him, his shirt different to the one he was wearing as well. Isak pulled him into his arms, burying his nose into Even’s hair. Even hugged Isak’s waist, shifting on his chest to get comfortable. He could feel Isak’s ribs through his shirt, the alarm bells ringing somewhere distantly in his mind.

 

“How did it all get so messed up?” The words slipped out on a whisper, sinking into the fabric of Isak’s shirt.

 

“I don’t know,” Isak whispered back, his words barely reaching Even before the darkness took over.         


End file.
